My Little Patriot: Freedom is Magic
by WTFamidoingwithmyexistence
Summary: When a patriotic citizen of the Universes best country, The United States of America, gets mysteriously teleported to Equestria what happens? Lots of stupid stuff, that's what. Don't expect regular updates or even any updates at all. Also, all views about America, it's history and it's citizens are not representative of my own, it's all merely for laughs. Rated T for some language.
1. Chapter 1

Rooker was walking through his local forest, carrying his Remington Model 783 Bolt-Action Rifle looking for some terrorists to assert his freedom bullets upon when he got tired. Slinging his rifle over his shoulder he sat down on the ground up against a tree and quickly dozed off. After what felt like several hours, but, was around half a minute, Rooker sat up and looked around him. No longer was he in his usual terrorist hunting spot in the local woods, but instead he was inside some kind of giant orchard for apples.

"No." Rooker heard a voice say, not too far off. "Nope. Nope." Rooker set off to find the source of this voice as it continued with its affirmations of its displeasure. However, as he embarked on his epic quest, another voice spoke up.

"Thank you kindly, Twilight, for helping me out." The mysterious voice said. Rooker ignored the rest of its words as he pondered to himself.

'Twilight? What is this a high school playground?' Rooker shook these thoughts out of his head and continued to listen to the conversation as he grew closer and closer.

"No problem at all, Applejack." A new voice said, Rooker once again ignored the rest of its words as his mind wandered.

'Applejack? Now I'm at a bar all of a sudden?' Shaking these thoughts out of his head, Rooker once again snooped on the conversation as he was certain he was mere moments away from finding them.

"You've been lounging on my back all morning while _we_ worked." As the mysterious stranger spoke these words Rooker emerged from behind a tree and was shocked to his very core at what he saw. Well, not truthfully, he was a brave and strong American, and nothing could surprise him!

"Stop right there!" Rooker shouted as he pulled his rifle off his shoulder and aimed it at the two… horses and weird lizard thing.

"Wot in tarnation?!" The orange one with a cowboy hat asked whipping around to face Rooker.

"What in Celestia's name is that?!" The lizard boy asked pointing a claw at Rooker.

"I am a Human!" Rooker shouted proudly. "I'm a citizen of the greatest country in the whole Universe, The United States of America!"

"Never heard of it." The purple one with pink highlights in its hair said flatly.

"You dare insult the great United States!?" Rooker yelled angrily before calming down. "No matter. You must simply be from a different world, where freedom doesn't exist."

"Uh, actually we- " The orange one tried to speak but Rooker interrupted them.

"Well worry no longer my colored equine friends!" Rooker shouted. "I am an American, which means it's my duty to spread FREEDOM and AMERICA wherever I go!"

"That's really not necessa-" This time the orange one was interrupted by very loud and distorted trumpets.

"On this day, I decree, that this new land belongs to the United States of America!" Rooker shouted over the very loud music emanating from his pocket. "…as soon as I file the correct paperwork for it to become a territory and after several months of economic growth and prosperity maybe it'll become a state, I dunno."

Rooker's three subjects were too busy plugging their ears to listen to him. As the last bit of music blasted through the trees, Rooker placed his right hand over his heart as a single tear of patriotism rolled down his cheek. Once the music died down, Rooker planted his flagpole into the dirt before pulling out and unfolding his flag from… somewhere.

"Who even are you!?" The purple one asked unplugging its ears.

"Have you not been listening!?" Rooker shouted as he raised his flag up the pole. "I'm a citizen of the-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. United States of wherever! What I mean is why are you here!?"

"Why? Why that's simple. It appears God has granted me the right to claim this land for my country, in the new age of Manifest Destiny!" Rooker exclaimed spreading his arms out as wide as he could.

The purple one opened its mouth to speak but was interrupted by a new voice.

"What's with all the racket? I was trying to take a nap!" Rooker looked towards this new voice and saw another horse, this one blue with amazingly awesometacular rainbow colored hair.

"Cool hair." Rooker said, pointing to its hair.

"Thanks, cool… wait WHAT?!" The blue one exclaimed launching itself off the ground, flapping its wings to stay afloat.

"Oh, wings." Rooker said staring at the flying horse. "Guess that's a thing."

"Uh, Twilight, what the heck is going on here?!" Rainbow hair asked its purple companion.

"I have no idea!" The purple one, or as Rooker now assumed, Twilight responded.

"Well to me it all sounds like a bunch of nonsense!" Cowboy orange said.

"Sounds to me like he's invading Equestria or something." Dragon boy said.

"Well if that's the case I say we kick his sorry flank back to wherever he came from!" Rainbow hair said punching the air with its hooves.

"I came from-" Rooker started to shout but was interrupted by the original three.

"The United States of America, we know."

"Well regardless of where he's from, lets kick him back there!" Rainbow hair began to fly at a high speed towards Rooker, who simply readied his rifle.

"You don't want freedom? Fine! I'll just have to shove it down your throat!" Rooker shouted, taking aim as the blue horse grew closer and closer.

"That's enough!" Twilight shouted as Rainbow hair stopped where it was and began hanging in the air by its tail which was now glowing purple. "Attacking this… human… will get us nowhere. So far, all its done is be loud, rude and obnoxious, all of which are annoying, but none of which should be met with violence."

"Fine." Rainbow hair conceded before falling onto the ground as the purple aura disappeared.

"Now, as for you…" Twilight said walking towards Rooker. "What the heck is going on!?"

"Honestly?" Rooker asked slinging his rifle around his shoulder. "No idea. I fell asleep in my local woods, woke up here."

"What?" Twilight asked stopping. "That's it?"

"Yep, woke up here and decided to follow your voices. Found you and now I'm assimilating you into my country." Rooker said.

"Well our country is just fine!" Rainbow hair exclaimed flying up into Rooker's face. "So why don't you head on back to _your_ country!"

"You know what?" Rooker said lowering his flag from his pole. "Maybe I will!"

"Good!" Rainbow hair shouted as Rooker folded his flag and put it away.

"Just point me to the nearest forest, so I can try and find another portal or whatever the fuck and go home!" Rooker shouted.

"Language!" Twilight shouted covering what Rooker assumed to be the dragon boy's ears.

"Follow me." Rainbow hair shouted shooting off into the sky.

After a short and uneventful journey, save for literally everyone in the town being a horse, the group of various sapient beings arrived at the edge of the forest.

"Well, good luck. You'll probably die because of how dangerous the forest is." Rainbow hair said pushing Rooker into the woods.

"Hah!" Rooker exclaimed turning to face Rainbow hair. "We Americans are hardy people, born and raised on the frontier of the American wilderness! We turned a vast landscape of nothingness into a sprawling utopia of awesomeness!" Rooker paused to put a hand on his chin. "Well it was almost nothingness, we killed a couple million of the natives but let's not get into that right now."

"Uh, alrighty then. I'm officially done with you." Rainbow hair said.

"Fine, I didn't want to talk to you anymore either!" Rooker said as the blue horse returned to her friends further away from the forest.

"Listen, America-" Twilight started to say before being interrupted.

"Rooker, call me Rooker."

"Right, Rooker, this might not be a good idea."

"Hah! You dare doubt me!?"

"Well no, but actually yes… you see this is an alien world to you. You might be used to wildlife in your world but ours is probably completely different. You could die!"

"You don't think I can handle it? Give me the name of one animal in this forest. I'll go in there, kill one, and bring it back to you." Rooker said boastfully.

"Hah, yeah right!" Rainbow hair said, flying back up to Rooker. "Tell you what, you kill a Timberwolf and then maybe I'll start taking you seriously. But since that's not going to happen…"

"You've got yourself a deal!" Rooker said before turning on his heel and marching into the forest.

"Rooker, wait! Do you even know what a Timberwolf is?" Twilight asked.

"Sounds like a wolf made of timber to me." Rooker responded still marching into the dark and ominous forest.

"He's gonna die." Dragon boy said before burping out a green flame and a letter.

 _ **Bam! The worst Human in Equestria story you'll ever read. Is it going to get better? Probably not. Will I even continue it? Probably not.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Very early, around 2:18AM in fact, in Ponyville a very loud sound began to pierce the ears of its inhabitants. As the sound got closer and closer, they were able to recognize it as very loud and distorted music. The source of that music? The recent invader of the country, a mysterious hairless ape who was known only as Rooker. Two days prior he had embarked into the dangerous Everfree forest, after not being seen again the next day he was assumed to have died and the town moved on from the strange visitor.

But he was alive, oh man was he alive, and very, very, pleased with himself. Maybe now the town would accept his advances of FREEDOM and AMERICA… AMERIFREEDOM if you will. The patriot marched through the town as his nations anthem blared through his phone, which was running low on battery, much to his dismay. Strapped to his back was a flagpole with his nations flag at the top lightly billowing in the morning breeze. Being dragged along behind him was a strange sack full of a mysterious material clacking together with every step he took.

As more and more Ponyville residents came out to find out what all the racket was about, Rooker scanned the crowd looking for a particular hairstyle. After several minutes of searching the tops of the ponies' heads he gave up and spoke to the crowd.

"Citizens of… this world!" Rooker announced, taking a few of them off guard. "I am looking for a particular horse-" Rooker was cut off as a member of the crowd spoke up.

"Pony!"

"Ah, yes… a particular pony! She… I think it was a she, had really cool looking rainbow-colored hair."

"Rooker?" A familiar voice called out from the crowd as it lightly pushed its way to the front, revealing a familiar purple pony. "You're alive?"

"Of course, I'm alive!" Rooker shouted proudly. "I'm an American, nothing as simple as an alien forest will kill me!"

"Right… so what are you doing here? I thought you were going to look for a portal home?" As Twilight said this the blaring music suddenly stopped.

"What? Oh, Washington dammit!" Rooker said, obviously annoyed that his luxurious national anthem had stopped. Pulling out his phone he realized it had died. With the nuisance over, most of the crowd began dispersing back to their homes.

"So…" Twilight said awkwardly as Rooker angrily shoved his phone back into his pocket.

"Right, I looked for a portal while hunting down a Timberwolf but surprisingly I couldn't find one." Rooker said. "Couldn't find a portal I mean. I found a Timberwolf." Dumping the contents of the bag he had been carrying onto the dirt floor Twilight jumped back in shock.

"Why did you bring that here?! Somepony could get hurt!" Twilight's horn began glowing, something which Rooker hadn't noticed she had until now.

"Relax, it's dead." Rooker said kicking a piece of wood. "Probably."

"Dead? Dead?! You can't kill a Timberwolf! They just put themselves back together!" Twilight shouted as what little remained of the crowd ran away out of fear.

"You might not be able to, but after I put a bullet in it's head it stopped reassembling itself." Rooker said crouching down and picking up a piece of wood to poke the piece of wood resembling a head with.

"You mean… it's actually dead?" Twilight asked, her voice returning to normal as her horn stopped glowing.

"Yeah, I mean I can't be sure as I'm not from this world. But back on Earth, when something stops moving and breathing it's usually dead. Usually." At this Twilight's apprehensive attitude returned.

"Just to be safe you should take this back to the Everfree forest."

"Not yet!" Rooker exclaimed suddenly, making Twilight jump back again. "I need to show it to that rainbow-haired pony!"

"Well she's my friend, so why don't you take that," Twilight pointed to the pile of wood with her hoof. "back to the Everfree forest, and I'll be your witness testifying that you did, indeed, kill one."

"Do you swear on the grave of the 15th President of the United States; James Buchanan?" Rooker asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

"Uh… yes?" Twilight answered shrugging her shoulders.

"Good enough for me." Rooker said gathering up the dead Timberwolf and putting it back into its bag. "I will see you in the morning." With that, Rooker marched back out of the town and towards the Everfree forest.

 _ **I regret everything.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Rooker found a nice little hole deep in the Everfree forest to dump his dead Timberwolf pieces into and did just that. After disposing of all evidence of his heroic and amazingly brave actions he returned to the strange town of talking ponies. He got several scared, surprised, amused, and annoyed looks from the ponies walking around the small town.

"Have no fear, surprise, amusement or annoyance my friends!" Rooker shouted suddenly, surprising some of the ponies. "I'm here to help you!"

"We don't want or need your help, freak!" A brave pony shouted from the crowd.

"Well you're getting it anyway, freak!" Rooker shouted back as he rested his hand on the Remington Model 1911 R1 handgun in the holster on his hip. "With, or without your consent!"

"Why are you here?" Another brave pony shouted.

"Because fuck you that's why!" Rooker shouted back. "Now, someone tell me where… uh, Twilight…? Is!" Rooker had almost forgotten the name of the purple unicorn pony who would validate his story.

"She's in the Golden Oaks Library!" A helpful pony shouted.

"So Golden Oaks Library I shall go!" Rooker said before making his way towards this Golden Oaks Library. After almost half an hour of marching around the town he was no closer to finding Twilight than when he walked into town. Turns out finding a building in a completely alien world with talking ponies is surprisingly hard to do. "Excuse me, gray pony!"

"Huh? Me?" A gray pony with blond hair asked looking around herself.

"Yes, you, gray pony with the weird eyes!" Rooker said with a smile. "Where is the Golden Oaks Library?"

"You shouldn't talk about ponies like that mister." The gray pony said frowning.

"Apologies, I don't particularly care about the feelings of aliens." Rooker said bowing his head slightly. "Now about that library?"

"Right there." The pony said pointing a hoof to the giant tree directly to his left.

"Heh, how'd I miss that?" Rooker asked himself as he put his hands on his hips. "Alright, thanks miss…?"

"Derpy." The pony said.

"Fuck me…" Rooker said trying to hold in his laughter. "Alright, thank you miss Derpy."

"You're welcome mister alien." Derpy said with a smile as she walked away.

Rooker walked up to the door of the library and went to knock on it before changing his mind. Lifting a leg, he forcefully kicked as hard as he could and launched the door open. Once there was no longer a door obstructing his entrance he calmly walked inside and nodded at the angry and terrified unicorn standing inside.

"Yo." Rooker said.

"Rooker what the heck was that all about!?" Twilight shouted angrily.

"Just making my grand entrance that is required as my status as Governor of New America." Rooker said proudly.

"Governor of New America?" Twilight asked flatly.

"Or America 2, haven't decided what to call the territory yet." Rooker said with a shrug.

"How about Equestria?" Twilight asked with an annoyed expression on her face.

"Equestria…" Rooker stroked his chin in thought. "I like it."

"Why are you here?" Twilight asked in the most calm tone she could muster.

"I'm here to watch as you tell that rainbow haired pony how amazing and strong of an American I am!" Rooker said striking a dramatic pose.

"What?"

"I'm here to make sure you tell your friend I killed that wolf." Rooker repeated without his usual eccentrics.

"Well as soon as I see her I'll be sure to tell her." Twilight said as she trotted towards her busted open front door. "Now I have some things to do in town so I'm afraid you're going to have to leave."

"No worries, I'll just shadow you until you find her." Rooker said exiting the library.

"Shadow me?" Twilight asked with a laugh as she pulled the door shut with her magic behind her. "That's not happening."

"Alright, I'll just stalk you then." Rooker said with a shrug. "Makes no difference to me."

"I don't want you following me around." Twilight said angrily.

"How else are we supposed to bond and become friends before the season finale?" Rooker asked following behind her as she trotted away.

"What?" Twilight asked giving him a strange look.

"Never mind that!" Rooker shouted walking ahead of her. "Onward!"

Twilight begrudgingly went around the town doing her planned business for the day with the strange, eccentric, freaky, creepy, annoying human following along. Rooker paid little attention to what she was actually doing or where they were going, instead focusing on inspecting every pony he saw. Finally, he located his target, the rainbow haired pony who doubted him.

"Rainbow haired pony!" Rooker shouted loudly causing several ponies to jump. "Come down here this-"

"STAMPEDE!" The rainbow haired pony shouted loudly over his voice.

The entirety of the pony town seemed to explode as every single pony began panicking and running about, all except for one that is. A gray haired pony stood still watching all the panicking and galloping around of the others. She said something about not panicking but Rooker didn't care about her words as he returned his focus to rainbow hair.

"Rainbow pony!" Rooker shouted over all the chaos. "Come down here and-"

"Look there!" Rainbow pony shouted interrupting Rooker once more as she pointing a hoof towards the encroaching stampede.

"For Lincoln's sake stop interrupting me!" Rooker shouted angrily as he stomped the shaking ground in annoyance. Since the rainbow haired pony wasn't noticing him he groaned and decided to watch his impending doom approach instead. There was some orange pony or something running alongside the herd of rampaging cows but who cared?

"This is the best rodeo show I've ever seen." An extremely pink pony said before stuffing her face into a bag of popcorn.

"Yo, can I get some of that?" Rooker asked approaching the pinkster.

"Sure thing!" The pony said holding out the bag of popped corn. "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Nope." Rooker said simply as he grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"Yes I do! You're that alien that didn't show up to my surprise party for you!" Pinkster said pointing an accusing hoof at Rooker.

"Sorry. I didn't get an invitation to this surprise party." Rooker said rolling his eyes.

"Well duh, it's a surprise party!" Pinkster said lightly shoving Rooker. "Come on, Rooker I thought you were smarter than that."

"Guess not." Rooker said watching the herd of impending death and destruction suddenly turn right before reaching the bridge leading to the town. "What's that bullshit?"

"Applejack saved us!" The gray haired pony said.

"Bullshit, one pony didn't just steer an entire herd of rampaging cattle." Rooker said shaking his head. "Forget my vindication, I'm out of here."

Not a single pony noticed Rooker walk away.

"Hey, I noticed!" Pinkie Pie said angrily.


End file.
